RIP Vans

...But long live the random vans.

This will be my last post on vans, I promise, so prepare yourself suitably. I’ve been taking lots of photos of vans and I’ve been getting lots of strange looks and experiencing lots of strange smells. Everything that has a beginning has an end, and if you remember, at the beginning I promised you the crème de la crème of vans, the Supervan if you will. Now it’s the end, here comes the cherry, on the icing, on the cake, on the hooker’s stomach. The Royal wedding was nothing, this is where the excitement begins...

No, this is not the supreme van you all crave for. This is the handyman van. Need an odd job done, then call this guy and he’ll come whizzing around the corner and cut you a key, fix your piping, replace your water pump. All from within his van - he has power tools and everything all hooked up.

This is the shade van. Koreans hate the sun as much as I do and often need to escape from its cancerous rays so they have vans which will provide you with cover when the sun is brightest. Don’t expect to use this at midday unless you get a ticket from the ticket van.

This is the nap van where you can catch 40 winks on a smelly mattress. Also known as the shag van... or clap van.

You had the flower pot men, now you have the flower pot van!

Picture this scene: You are late and it’s your anniversary and you have bought nothing. Well the flower pot van will save the day. You are meeting someone you hate who has hay fever. The flower man comes in handy again. You just ran over and killed someone in your car. Don’t worry, the flower van will not only provide the flowers, but also the sticky tape to attach them to the bloodstained lamppost.

So you have a cold or you think your new girlfriend may be a witch? No problem; the herbal remedy van will sort you out.

And now, the moment that you’ve all been waiting for. It’s the big daddy, the el padrino, the Supervan van.. Picture yourself on a sunny day walking down your local street and you realise you’re a little peckish... Well, fear not because the crème de la crab van is here.

No, not the venereal disease crabs but the friendly face hugging crustacean! Imagine this parked up on Oxford Street: “Crabs for sale, get your crabs love!” I ask this question to any Korean out there: “When are you ever in need of a crab as a snack?” It’s the most inconvenient snack food ever; you have legs, you have shells, you have claws! From the country that sells the convenient jenga drink-snack, I deplore the complexities of the crab snack!

Well the vans are “pinishedee” (finished) as my students would say. Join us again soon when we’ll update you about more weekend funtivities and we’ll (yes, I’m still here!) be starting a new feature soon.

There is life after vans.

The snack vans are dead...

Long live the clothing van. It’s been all about the land fish van, the herb van and the protein wet dream van. Now this week, we are going to explore the clothing van. I find these incredibly helpful as you never know when you might need a spare t-shirt on those hot sticky summer days.

We’ve all had the bad dream where we’ve been walking somewhere and suddenly realised that we are naked and need to cover our shame. Fear not people! Because in Korea, they are so frightened by this very concept, they have decided to place vans that sell everything you would need to cover up your wobbly bits. For instance the t-shirt van will hide those manboobs you have from eating all those fried snacks and chicken feet.

The sock van will not only help protect your feet but also provides you with a vital aid for a man when he needs to cover up his dangly bits.

 

This van not only provides socks but tights. For all you wannabe superheroes and Robin Hood impersonators out there, Korea is the country for you! Imagine Clark Kent leaving the house without his Superman outfit, well he could just buy some more tights and make a makeshift superhero outfit. Actually that’s just stupid; he can easily fly home at super speed and get his own costume – so why does the tights van exist?

The cap van that buzzes around town sure is cool. I think he should also sell sunglasses but maybe I’m just crazy – you’ve got a market, stick to it. It’s a shame he doesn’t do the Robin Hood style hats cos then, with the tights, you could really complete the Kevin Costner Prince of Thieves look when you have forgotten an outfit to the fancy dress party. Note to self: Stop mentioning Kevin Costner in the blog.

Well after this van, I’m starting to think if I did wonder the streets naked and could only wear what I found in van, I would be getting closer and closer to becoming a drag queen. Fully fitted with tights, head bands, earrings, and necklaces – Me and Eddie Izzard would be ready to hit the town.

If all else did fail, I guess you could always wrap yourself up in seaweed.

See you soon...