Be
prepared. Not scared.
That's what I keep repeating to myself. I find myself unable
to comprehend that I am moving to Brazil in a matter of weeks. I think it may
be due to the fact that I don’t have a visa and I have not booked a flight. You
could say that is the antithesis of being prepared and it isn’t not being
scared either, it’s simply being unaware.
The preparation I have been doing is learning the language
of Portuguese. European Portuguese is described to me by a close ally, i.e.
friend, as sounding like “Spanish with a finger in your mouth”. However
Brazilian Portuguese sounds different although it has not helped one bit with
my studies.
I have also been given a list of things to sort out by my
multinational conglomerate friend, i.e. employer, designed to help the
transition. Considering I moved abroad to Korea in the last few years, I wasn’t
expecting to learn much from the list but I gave it a read anyway. I don’t know
whether I am especially astute at moving abroad or whether everyone else just
couldn’t organise a piss up in a urinal.
The list of things to check goes from the obvious (teaching
your grandmother to suck eggs) to the downright strange (teaching your
grandmother to suck eggs.) Seriously what is the meaning of that phrase?
In fact there is an entire Wiki page dedicated to the
uncertainty of this.
I’m glad I am not the only one stumped by this bizarre
saying, yet it is a phrase I consistently use.
There is a surprisingly large amount of English idioms that revolve around eggs...
Anyway this checklist is kindly and helpfully broken down
chronologically as well. The highlights are below and I have decided to call
this collection, “The Idiot Abroad Checklist.”
Note: These are all
true and unaltered. The company really sent them to me to look at.
TWO MONTHS
BEFORE DEPARTURE:
Inform relatives,
friends, neighbours
Did they think I was just going to leave without telling
people? Imagine being friends with the man that doesn’t turn up to poker night.
“Where’s John tonight?”
“I don’t know, I haven’t heard from him all week. Check his
Facebook.”
“Bloody hell! He has only gone and emigrated again. The
cheeky swine!”
Start to consume food
items in the cabinets and freezer.
You don’t have to tell me twice!
Plan going-away
parties for you and for the children; schedule about three to four weeks before
departure.
I love that my company encourages going away parties! And
will somebody think of the children!
THREE TO
FOUR WEEKS PRIOR TO DEPARTURE
Cancel regular
appointments i.e. Hairdresser, Piano lessons,
Brilliant. I can imagine an old lady with grey hair
(basically the one from Groundhog Day) turning up to your piano lesson and knocking
on the door of an empty home.
If you still have
large amounts of frozen food, use it or consider giving it away.
I said you don't have to tell me twice!
Most countries limit
alcohol importation, so throw a going-away party or offer to donate.
Again with the going-away party! Unbelievable commitment to
the party lifestyle...and yet, I haven't actually arranged one.
ONE TO TWO
WEEKS BEFORE DEPARTURE:
Return all library
books.
Librarians love it when people emigrate with unreturned books - when I come home for Christmas I'll be held at border control for those overdue fines! Damn you librarians, damn you to Hell!
Purchase travellers' cheques and some cash in foreign currency.
Make sure you have enough to tip movers.
It’s good to know that multinationals encourage tipping.
Next they might consider tipping (i.e. paying appropriate tax to) the economies they work
in.
Start calling friends,
relatives, and neighbours to say good-bye.
“Hi mum. I forgot to say that I am moving to Brazil. I
didn’t read this checklist until the week before. Anyway see you in a year.
Tchau!”
MOVING
WEEK:
Give away houseplants
and any freezer items you will not need.
The commitment to freezer items on this checklist is
astounding. Is this a common problem during emigrations?
“Did you pack everything?”
“Yep.”
“Have you checked the cupboards?”
“Of course.”
“What about the freezer?”
"Nooooooooo!!!"
Unplug your television
sets the night before the movers are to arrive so they are at room temperature
when moved. Note: not all TVs can be
used in a different country
This one is bizarre. This list must have been written in the
days of those electron gun TVs that were unevenly distributed in weight and were
incredible awkward to carry. I don’t remember them getting hot though.
Movers – “This TV is mildly warm. I’m sorry but I am unable
to move anything that is not at room temperature.”
Me – “What about all my freezer food!?”
MOVING DAY:
Make sure everybody
eats breakfast (you may not have time the rest of the day). Try not to prepare any other meals at home
except for a small breakfast.
I can only think of Arrested Development quotes about
breakfast being the most important thing...
I also love the try in this sentence. “Try not to prepare
any other meals...” as if some people have an early morning compulsion to cook
large banquets of fish and meat.
Finish cleaning up
and, if late, stay overnight so you will be refreshed in the morning.
I remember that in Korea if you move house, it is considered
bad luck to clean before you leave. So everyone always moves into
a dirty house and the first job is to clean it.
And here endeth the lesson on moving abroad. I hope it has
been educational.
